An old man mistakes
by Diana Prallon
Summary: It was not his fault. He was an old man after all.


**And old man mistakes**

What he was really guilt of was forgetting that he always needed someone. It should be obvious (as are all things, when is seeing it from the outside), and his best frriend would kill him herself if she heard of this nonsense. There was no future for him, but it was all his fault, for The Doctor was a selfish man. Not because he offered people everything, all of time and space, knowing that they'd be in danger, that they might die, or be harmed, or that he stole their lifes and changed them. He was selfish for he really believed that **everything **was his fault.

All those brave people. The choices they made, their lifes in his hands, weren't his fault or choice – it was theirs. In all his infinity wisdom, he never understood how keen humans were of making their own choices, their own mistakes. A shop girl might rather be a godess, a medical student might rather be a soldier, and a temp might rather be a traveller – none of it was his doing, even if he believed it to be so. It wasn't his fault that a Roman became a nurse, or that a Time Lady became a wife, a adventurer became a politic, or that journalists became investigators of aliens. It wasn't his fault that the girl who got tired of waiting became a kissogram, a wild young woman, a caring abandoned mother.

Through their silence, they spoke volumes. They walked their path, as they inevitably would, and while he changed their lifes as he touched their hands, he didn't invent them. They were ready, they chose their road, they believed in Robert Frost and sheer will. It was exactly what made him choose them, but he always managed to miss it (For someone so wise, sometimes he just got a bit daft).

He was old, and it's a fact that the old always forget what it is like to be young and _so_ alive. To be surprised and in love with life and all it's possibilities. Sofas and military duties, all the wonderful adventures they could have. He couldn't understand that burning oneself up in a supernova to save humanity takes as much sthregh as burning up a sun to say goobye. He forgot they knew what they were doing. He forgot that while they might be children in his eyes, they weren't that naive.

He couldn't deal with the fact that even when they forgot, even when they left, or stayed, when they waited and followed, they knew what they wanted. Not the stars and magic, but learning how to make a difference. How to save the world, one step at a time. How to say no and take a stand. How to be magnificent.

The Doctor forgot how often his life was in their hands just as theirs were in his hands. He'd always regret not having been clear, not noticing the love in dark eyes. He'd always regret the words he chocked, knowing that he wasn't enough. He'd always regret the danger of becoming like him, and the terror of burying a baby. He was scared of faith, for faith had broken him down, again and again. It had brought down his homeland, his race, his planet, all through his bloody hands.

A creature that old wouldn't notice that love isn't always what it looks like, and hate hardly ever is anything like you'd expect. He was so used to playing the long game, he didn't notice the moves. He thought they'd all bring him closer to the end, but it wasn't always true. The end is always only the beggining, and a closing time is just the beggining of the beggining.

He was expecting her to lift the helmet, sure of his end. All she wanted was to lift her veil, so the truth could be said out loud and they'd know each other for who they were.

The problem was, he felt too guilty. And this – and this alone – could end his days, end his life, easly. He'd been told before, he always needed someone, so he'd know when to stop, for he wasn't able to deal with himself. He had been warned, by the person who knew him better in the world that his guilt and pain would be the death of him. He was saved, but believed himself doomed for every woman, man and child that saved him, for he believed he always failed at saving them.

As if it were that simple.

The only reason that silence would fall was that he couldn't listen.

Not his fault. He was an old man afterall.


End file.
